Scroll Reveals Proverbs 31 Woman Was A Lazy Bum

JERUSALEM — Archaeologists and scholars say a scroll unearthed in present-day Palestine is a long lost chapter of the ancient book of Proverbs. The so-called "thirty-second chapter" reveals that the industrious woman portrayed in Proverbs 31 was a myth, albeit a cruel one.

"This is a day of liberation," said Jennifer Scorgan, the speaker at a women's retreat in Ohio, when news about the discovery filtered in. The meeting was interrupted to make the announcement, and women burst into tears, then stood on their chairs and cheered.

"Four thousand years of impossible expectations have just been lifted," Scorgan bellowed as hundreds of women embraced each other and gave high fives.

"'Revolutionary' is not too strong a word for the chapter's content," said Wanda Benedict of Hebrew University in Jerusalem, lead researcher for the team. "As we translated it, we started getting tingles."

The scroll, viewed by journalists in Jerusalem, includes the final words of Proverbs 31 — the famous chapter which lays out a lifestyle for godly women. The text then continues: "Ha ha ha, fooled you. Anyone who took the last part seriously must have a major performance complex. Here's the deal. Forget the home business, making clothes for the kids or putting a hot meal on the table every night. A woman ought to do what she can to get by. Raising a family can drive you nuts, so just try to survive. If that means waking up late and lolling around in your jammies until noon, go for it. Go to the mall, buy something nice for yourself. You deserve it, girl. It's your life. Don't sweat it too much. God loves you no matter what. Here ends the holy book of Proverbs and the sayings of King Lemuel, learned from his mother."

As news of Proverbs 32 spread through Christian circles, women around the world erupted with joy. In India, a women's prayer group stood in the streets and ripped Proverbs 31 from their Bibles, then danced on the pages.

"We are free!" they chanted.

In Australia, Christian women openly rejoiced.

"I've been shamed by that chapter far too long," said Sally Winters, 42, of Brisbane. "Every Mothers Day I grit my teeth through sermons about the so-called ideal wife. This [new scroll] is unbelievably refreshing. The writer of Proverbs was wiser than I thought."

"Now if only they'd find a chapter about the Proverbs 33 man," added another woman.

Publishers say they will add Proverbs 32 to Bibles beginning in 2009.•

(Because I suffer from a warped sense of humor, I often cruise by a sort of Mad Magazine web site called LarkNews.com, from which I got this spoof article. I always feel better after visiting the site--it's like my drug of choice. Well, one of them anyway. I recommend it.)