Saturday, July 25, 2009

A Woman Tells It Like It Is!

(Here's a little "something" to brighten your weekend, when things get a little crazy or silly around here. If you're a woman, then I bet you like this letter even more than I do.)

*This is an actual letter from an Austin, Texas, woman sent to an American company, 
Proctor and Gamble, regarding their feminine products. She really gets 
rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 Editors' Choice
 for best webmail, award winning letter.*

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

 I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I
 appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or
 Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa
 dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in
 tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary
 Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how
 crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and
 secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the
 curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting
 right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging 
through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll
 be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with
 knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen
 quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's
 monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating,
 puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, 
crying jags, 
and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most 
women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge
 to shove her husband's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because
 he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just 
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the
 reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful
 I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always 
maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:
 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you freaking kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny 
middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing
 happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned
 above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless
 you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy'
 about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and
 lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local
 Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in
 a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic
 message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's
 actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter Is 
Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, 
there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my
 maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your
 Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending 
BS. And that's a promise I will keep.
 *Always. . .*


Wendi Aarons

Austin , TX


  1. What comments could I make that are not going to be taken as proof of pre-meditation.

    As "always" your article is exactly what I need....humour

  2. Anonymous1:26 PM

    Okay, this is hysterical . . . but the logician in me MUST comment: this is her experience alone! I guess I am blessed not to have had such terrific agonies during "that time of month," and now that "that time" entertains me no more, I never will! And on another note: she's absolutely right about Mr. Moronic Middle Manager. Dear GOD, the products people come up with!

  3. Anonymous1:27 PM

    That's awesome!
    Shannon Q

  4. Anonymous2:32 PM

    Okay being a "tough' man of God, I can tell you humbly that I am somewhat rugged as an individual male. I can say with all honesty, I would never make it as a woman. They are tough in ways I could never imagine or conceive.
    And as a final thought I never thought I would see a connection between Maxi pads and fortune cookies. Thanks for that image!