New Puns For The Punny Among Us

It's the weekend--time for some silliness.

Here are some puns, for those who find them enjoyable. For the most part, I simply groan when someone tells them to me. Oh, well. Here you go.


1. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

2. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

3. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

4. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

5. Shotgun wedding - a case of wife or death.

6. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

7. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

8. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

9. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

10. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

11. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

12. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

13. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

14. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

15. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

16. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

17. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

18. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed

20. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

21. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

22. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

23. Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

24. Every calendar's days are numbered.

25. A lot of money is tainted - taint yours and taint mine.

26. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

27. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

28. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

29. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

30. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

31. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

32. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Grrrrrrr. . .

When we teach from Psalm 51 (David’s lamentation over his guilt concerning Bathsheba and Uriah), must we entirely suspend the fact that there is a new covenant, that Jesus has borne and forgiven all our sin, making us righteous and holy, that He has given us a new heart and the same nature as His, united us with Himself, and that, since He now actually lives in us, He will not ever leave us nor forsake us, let alone remove Himself from us?

Some of us teach as though there is virtually no difference in man’s relationship with God between the former and new covenants.

Cripes!

Yeah, I went to a church yesterday. . .I swear you'd have thought Jesus hadn't done a thing for us, so people's approach to God was based on their own merit, not His.

And that's more than a little bit whacked.

Grrrrrr. . .

How Mom's Roll

Gotta have one for the mom's, right?

Here you go.

How Dad's Roll

After a little time off from weekend postings, here's one I think you'll enjoy. I sure do.

The First Thing

Ponder this:

If you knew that you would be meeting with God at the same time every morning for the next six months, how do you think the beginning of each meeting would go? What would He say? How would He greet you?

I suspect the beginning of my meetings would be the same every time. With His arms reaching for me and with a brilliant smile on His face, Jesus would say, “Grace and peace to you, Ralph.” Hearing those words and looking at Him would utterly convince me that He meant what He said, and I would be entirely secure in His love and confidence.

That’s what thirty years of meeting with Jesus tell me—it’s the same every time. No, I don’t always hear those very words, but I always receive from Him grace—“You are just right with me, and I will be with you and in you for all that is needed today”—and peace—“We are in union, Ralph; what is anxiety to you?”

I don’t know how the Spirit leads you to Jesus every day, but a frequent course I take is through a morning minefield of insecurity. There’s a lot in my life that says, “There is not sufficient grace for you, Ralph. Isn’t it obvious? You’ve been messing up and digging a hole for yourself that is now so deep you’ll have to get out before God can do much for you—hole digger! Better get busy.” People who know me well can nearly always tell when I’ve begun to believe that tangled lie because I throw myself at work as soon as I get out of bed. I begin a course of securing my already insecure self. Isn’t that nuts? That’s like a hole trying to fill itself up by producing more of itself—more hole. I’m set up to meet with God, but I choose the way of the flesh.

It won’t work.

I don’t think I’m alone in this either. I find it interesting and deeply helpful that Paul began all of his letters with the following brain-washing, protein drink for the sons and daughters of God:

“. . .Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.” (Philippians 1:2).

I’ll bet Paul had meetings like ours with God. Having been ruined (crucified) to a world in which he had been excelling beyond most everyone, is it a stretch to imagine that Paul needed God to secure him—all the time? Over and over again? I believe that Paul cherished for himself the words he gave to the beleaguered Christians at Philippi, Corinth, Galatia, Ephesus, Thessalonica and Colosse, and to dear sons-in-the-faith Timothy, Titus, and Philemon. “Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ” was not a simple greeting! It wasn’t a sort of, “Hey, dawg, what’s goin’ on? Livin’ the dream?” The best part of the letter didn’t happen when once those fourteen words were dispensed. Those words were (and are!) the very foundation of Christianity—all of it. Until we know them, until He gives them to us and convinces us that He means them, there is no next, there is no “Let’s get on with it, already.”

I believe that the greatest point of our stumbling today is because we’re not convinced. We’ve been induced to run past the meeting and greeting that convinces and enables us. How can we live by faith if at our very foundation of belief we don’t have, “Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.” ?

Fortunately, convincing us is one of His best pleasures, and heaven rejoices when we believe.

So anybody want to meet with God tomorrow morning? He’ll have something important to give you. It will be the first thing.

Christ In Me

It's a stunning thing that God puts people in my heart. He meets them there and I think and feel about them as He does. Amazing. Christ in me. . .and Christ in you.

Phil 1:7 It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart; for whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God's grace with me. 8 God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus.